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Jmcl101

Jmcl101

Active Member
Lots of time on my hands right now and I need a laugh so let's here some of your best stories from the building site !!!

I'll go first >

A few summers ago I landed a big new build in Cornwall for a farmer. He's been living in a caravan for a few years and finally got Dutchy to grant him a build as long as they're spec was adhered to. So myself and 3 of the lads hopped in the van and off we went.

We were staying in the job on finishing beds and having a drink/smoke in the house most nights as you do when away. Now this place was literally the middle of nowhere, no shop or pub nearby so the farmer being a gent, gave us beer by the crate and cooked us all a proper meal twice a day. Breakfast and dinner and we went 20 miles to the Tesco to get our lunch stuff.

The stairs had an issue and weren't in so we were going up and down on a lAdder to top floor. No toilet anywhere in sight and I'd been sitting on an absolute demon all day, enough was enough.

I went into the master bedroom cupboard armed with a bucket an inch of water full and some bog roll. This f**k*r just wouldn't come out, after a few minutes I felt king kongs finger coming and must've leaned forward off the wall, I hear a THUD as I crimp it loose. f**k me, I've missed the bucket f**k! Now I obviously burst out laughing and try and get my act together fast before I get caught. It's too late, the labourer is up the ladder and sees my stupor, I swear that turd was the size of a f**k**g coke can lol.

So anyway we've all had a right scream and I've finally cleaned myself up and picked this massive s**t up. Just as I come down the ladder with a turd and s**t stained bog roll in a bucked and head for the door to dispose, mr farmer walks in the front door with a tray full of chilli con carne for us all

I blushed and ran out the back, I'm sure he smelled it though.
 
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That's almost as funny as the one where the lads go to the pub after work, have aright good drink and laugh.....decide to walk back to the site over the fields coz no one could even get a key in an ignition.......nearly back to the farmhouse, discover the stone outline of a well, decide to rest awhile and shining light from their phones, lighters etc try to see how deep it is.....one suggests dropping a pebble in......so they did, but not much of a splash came back...another said "we need something bigger".... they scout around in the pitch black, and one finds a f**k**g great sleeper.....they grapple it between them to the edge of the well and with great effort get it over the edge, it balances for a second then it plunges over....they wait, panting with effort, in the dark, for the splash......nothing.....then, they hear the unmistakable sound of a metal chain rubbing on the stone top of the well.......and in that split second of realisation, they hear a plaintive bleat as the farmers goat hurtles past them and over the edge of the well....and then as the bleat fades away,....a resounding splash........Lol:p:p
 
I accidentally managed to torch a client's shed/Barn once while trying to refill a Zippo lighter in the fuel tank of his ride on mower.
unfortunately that little incident was followed shortly after by sh!tgate which is when things became a little strained so to speak :cry:.
 
s**t stories are always the best.

Was doing a flat refurb and got to the point when I had to gut the bathroom and skip the bog. No probs, still an old sink to piss in in the kitchen. Any road, one day, needed a s**t...despatately, so jumped in the motor and went up the road to McDonald's. Always the same, whenever you need to get some where f**k**g urgently, the old ladies crossing the road, learner drivers, traffic lights are always in your way. Finally get there, run into the loo and lay a cable the national grid would have been proud of. Flush loo, and it won't go! Flush loo and it won't go! Pan filling up with water and over flowing now, so shut the door and get back to work...nothing I can do, so get back to the job.
Next day, need a s**t, so drive to McDonald's. Go into toilet and there's hazard tape all across the bog and an 'out order' sign!
Was quite proud of that!! :D
 
Jmcl101 said:
Lots of time on my hands right now and I need a laugh so let's here some of your best stories from the building site !!!

I'll go first >

A few summers ago I landed a big new build in Cornwall for a farmer. He's been living in a caravan for a few years and finally got Dutchy to grant him a build as long as they're spec was adhered to. So myself and 3 of the lads hopped in the van and off we went.

We were staying in the job on finishing beds and having a drink/smoke in the house most nights as you do when away. Now this place was literally the middle of nowhere, no shop or pub nearby so the farmer being a gent, gave us beer by the crate and cooked us all a proper meal twice a day. Breakfast and dinner and we went 20 miles to the Tesco to get our lunch stuff.

The stairs had an issue and weren't in so we were going up and down on a lAdder to top floor. No toilet anywhere in sight and I'd been sitting on an absolute demon all day, enough was enough.

I went into the master bedroom cupboard armed with a bucket an inch of water full and some bog roll. This f**k*r just wouldn't come out, after a few minutes I felt king kongs finger coming and must've leaned forward off the wall, I hear a THUD as I crimp it loose. f**k me, I've missed the bucket f**k! Now I obviously burst out laughing and try and get my act together fast before I get caught. It's too late, the labourer is up the ladder and sees my stupor, I swear that turd was the size of a f**k**g coke can lol.

So anyway we've all had a right scream and I've finally cleaned myself up and picked this massive s**t up. Just as I come down the ladder with a turd and s**t stained bog roll in a bucked and head for the door to dispose, mr farmer walks in the front door with a tray full of chilli con carne for us all

I blushed and ran out the back, I'm sure he smelled it though.
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Reminds me of a time when I was site and house bashing every now and then a job for local builder would come up on this one he was converting a massive house to 6 flats no toilet on job bloke I was with that day went look I had a beer last night and my guts are in bits so I'm gonna get a bag and go in upstairs in a cupboard keep an eye out for anyone well the builder turned up to show potential buyers around plots but came in round the back so I couldn't see them as they went upstairs he heard them coming and started shouting Don't come down here don't come down here I could imagine him squatting over a multi bag as well he gave me a right roasting about it but I was laughing so much never paid attention we laugh about it now
 
I've had bad guts at work before and been stranded. Went in the back of my Vito and sat on a plastering bucket. I was literally sweating it was so bad.

Halfway through a f**k**g train stops 12 foot away from back of my van and they're all peering inI needed to go that bad I didn't really care tbh.

Another time was doing a bathroom with my dad and it was the only bog in the place. I'd been holding one all day and had to go but he was halfway through grouting the tiles in. I said f**k it I'm going anyway and sat down. 5 mins later the client bursts in with 2 cups of tea, must think our family's f**k*d right up haha
 
not sure if have mentioned this story but here goes,......working a house few years ago ,the customer went out shopping and left me and a plumber and a very nasty noisy yapping dog in the house,...i was upstairs and the plumber had to go into the room with the dog,all i could hear was barking yapping barking non stop, then all was silent nothing no noise what so ever,...i went downstairs the plumber is holding a metre length of copper tube which he had been using to keep the dog away,....the dog had ran at him and somehow its head went straight onto the tube and killed the dog,..not a mark on the dog no blood nothing,..the plumber was standing there in shock,he said what should i do hector,.......told him to take the dog in the garden,.......2 hours later customer came back started shouting for the dog,..we just looked at each other,...she went out to the garden with the plumber both of them shouting his name,...and found him,...one very upset tearfull customer.....then the plumber offered to bury him/made a cup of tea for /said all the right words etc she in turn said he was an old dog etc etc,...so they buried him in the garden,......at the end of the day when we going the plumber went to see if she was okay,....and she thanked him very much for being so thoughtfull and helpfull,...and insisted he accepted a 10.00 note as a thank you,..... i was expecting a bolt of lightning to hit us when we got outside
 
^ haha priceless.

I hate dogs on the job. I got bitten by one last year, only a nip, I was going to boot the f**k**g thing until the owner walked in, then I just milked the injury so she locked the b*****d up !
 
I was helping my brother on a domestic kitchen job one Sunday when my guts rumbled to let me know last night's curry was about to make its exit , the toilet was in the hall but the homeowners were getting their baby into its travel cot etc outside the toilet so I tried to hold it . Next thing I'm bent double and decide to make a run for the van , grabbing a gorilla tub I jumped in the back of the tranny just in time to spray the spicy slurry into the tub . As I relaxed I heard the customers loading up their car next to the van so I pulled the door shut slipped down the side of the van and sat in the lot !
I've had better days
 
Found a porno mag under a bed after I flipped it over to skim the ceiling. Plumber (mate) walked in as I was having a danger wank
 
Moving a chest of drawers with me mate out the bedroom onto the landing usual way opening top drawer to get a grip!! He spots large dildo pulls out and is now recreating a scene out of Star Wars. With that there's the clinking sound of the garden gate opening and the lady of the house waving at us at the window where said mate is still hysterically laughing and waving said sabre :sorprendido3: her face dropped.Anyhow she couldn't look us in the eye and that put an end to any teas n coffees or future work lol.
 
We did a job for this young bird a while back and while she was out drew straws, the loser (subby I was using) had to put a pair of her strides on and do a lap of the house !!! he put them on over his trousers though the pussy !

Another good one was boarding ceilings and had my lad holding the board up while I fixed, female client was in the room and I whipped his trousers and pants down, he chucked the board in the floor told me to f**k myself and sulked in the van for about an hour hahahaha I was in stitches all day, he still gets s**t for that now ! (Client was a mates Mrs btw!)
 
The theme is busting for a crap at work with no bog u have to become inventive with how and where to go,many a time I've been over a bag or in a cupboard
 
Got loads of stories,but ones a bit different.
when we were aprentices my old gaffer use to do a lot of full house renovations and we'd find all sorts of stuff under floor boards behind fireplaces etc,on one job in an old fellas gaff that had passed away,one day we found this odd instrument in a partition wall we were pulling down, none of us knew what it was it looked like a circular ball with a stick on it, so my mate just threw it to me to catch what's this rich? He goes, I looked at it, no idea threw it back at him, he tossed it to one side, thought no more if it.
It sat on the window in brew room for weeks, most fellas on the job manhandled it at some stage, it became a curiosity to guess what the hell it was. My old gaffer being a tight t**t thought it may be worth a few quid,so gets an antique dealer to have a gander at it one day at work while we're on the job,(nearly 20 years ago now, late 90s, no Google etc)as soon as he sees it, he just goes drip white and panics," looks like a grenade that boys" ha behave you silly old duffer, he gets off us, "no honestly not messing with you"
So anyhow long story short, police gets called , subsequently bomb squad comes out evauquates the whole street, it gets taken away for a controlled explosion, and we make the local newspaper front page. It turns out the old duffer whose house it was brought a live grenade back from ww2 when he came back and it was something called a sticky grenade,anti tank and enough strength to blow a couple of houses up,and apparently renound for going off in people's hands as they had a glass iner case and needed to be handled carefully, how it never went off was an absolute miracle.
 
Worst I got done up was when we was doing a blokes house up who was a big meat merchant in smithfields the lads found a set of suspenders in one room and on this particular week I had to get to job in mine and Mrs car it was summer so left windows open while working the idiots stuck the suspenders under the passenger seat and 3 days later my ex Mrs found them took a lot of explaining to get out of that and I was innocent as well
 
Another one,not a funny, but bizarre one.
I was 19 and We were renovating an old cottage of a friend of a friends of my dad, the old dear that lived there had gone into a home and had dimentia.
We were in a back room pulling an old lath ceiling down, below her bedroom, anyhow we start ripping this ceiling all the soot and shite starts coming down, but then bits of paper, it took us a few seconds to work out it was bank notes cash, tonnes of it came raining down on us , all denominations really old tenners, twenties right up to present day notes, we couldn't believe it like something out of a wet dream. In the end we were bagging it up in binbags, my old gaffer the b*****d, made us hand it in to the owners family, bin bags full of crumpled cash, the old dear must have been stashing cash under her floor for years.
Apparently if you take it to Bank of England they'll honour any bank note to the face value of it, £87,000 and odd we pulled out of there, and the owners family gave us the grand total of.... £100 each for us, which I promptly spent on taking a girl out and on clearing my bar tab at my local, the family probably bought a house with the cash :rolleyes:.
 
owls said:
Another one,not a funny, but bizarre one.
I was 19 and We were renovating an old cottage of a friend of a friends of my dad, the old dear that lived there had gone into a home and had dimentia.
We were in a back room pulling an old lath ceiling down, below her bedroom, anyhow we start ripping this ceiling all the soot and shite starts coming down, but then bits of paper, it took us a few seconds to work out it was bank notes cash, tonnes of it came raining down on us , all denominations really old tenners, twenties right up to present day notes, we couldn't believe it like something out of a wet dream. In the end we were bagging it up in binbags, my old gaffer the b*****d, made us hand it in to the owners family, bin bags full of crumpled cash, the old dear must have been stashing cash under her floor for years.
Apparently if you take it to Bank of England they'll honour any bank note to the face value of it, £87,000 and odd we pulled out of there, and the owners family gave us the grand total of.... £100 each for us, which I promptly spent on taking a girl out and on clearing my bar tab at my local, the family probably bought a house with the cash :rolleyes:.
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But don't ya think honesty is best policy and you got a 100 off it I got over paid once by 100 and I went back and gave it to the old boy he was so impressed got a few jobs off the back of him as well
 
Nowt to do with shite, but on the "found it" theme...
Builders in the town renovating an old old property found a mummified cat behind a partition.... they took it out, then the trouble started....accidents, illnesses etc...went on for a bit, then someone said to put the cat back, they did that and hey presto, everything back to normal....strange but true, was in local papers.
 
Pagey said:
But don't ya think honesty is best policy and you got a 100 off it I got over paid once by 100 and I went back and gave it to the old boy he was so impressed got a few jobs off the back of him as well
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Yep I agree, I'm a believer in karma, but as a teenager I believed in a good payout instead to piss away.
 
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