paulf
Well-Known Member
Barry would be happy with that no doubt, the one thing that would make him even happier is a signed copy of the mighty Flanges album.
Plasterers
- Thread starter spunky
- Start date
paulf
Well-Known Member
Barry Throttle: Flange Super Fan
A tragicomic tale of devotion, digestive distress, and doomed destiny
Barry Throttle had only three great loves in life: pasties, his 2007 Ford Mondeo (metallic aubergine), and the legendary glam-funk-prog band Flange.
Ever since he saw them on Pebble Mill at One in 1983, Barry had been obsessed. He owned every vinyl, every bootleg VHS, and even a limited-edition incense burner shaped like lead singer Snidey Pargeter’s face. But Barry’s real idol — his true hero — was Chris Pyuk, Flange’s moody, majestic bass player and the only man alive to successfully play a six-string fretless while asleep.
Despite his decades of loyalty, Barry had never—never—managed to see Flange live.
Episode 1: The Goat and the Groyne
It was all set. Barry had tickets for FlangeFest ‘94 at Doncaster Racecourse. He even shaved his chest into the shape of the band's logo. But fate intervened. On the morning of the gig, Barry’s neighbour's emotional support goat, Denholm, broke loose and lodged itself halfway up Barry's drainpipe. Barry spent six hours in a harness with a tin of condensed milk and a megaphone, coaxing it down. By the time Denholm was freed, Flange were already deep into their 14-minute bongo solo on “Groyne Damage”, and Chris Pyuk had just finished an improvised slap bass solo using a rolled-up copy of Angler’s Monthly.
Episode 2: The Curry Catastrophe
In 2002, Barry scored front-row seats for Flange’s reunion show at the Halifax Leisure Dome. He celebrated the night before with a vindaloo so violent it was later cited in a UN report. Barry spent the entire gig locked in the Dome’s disabled toilet, feverishly hallucinating that Snidey Pargeter was performing a kazoo solo inside his colon and Chris Pyuk was judging him silently while tuning his bass with a tuning fork made of stag antler.
Episode 3: The Cruise Ship Tragedy
Flange announces their farewell gig: a one-off performance on a Baltic prog-rock cruise. Barry books instantly. He learns to salsa. He buys linen trousers. He even gets vaccinated in both arms twice, just to be sure.
But disaster strikes on the gangplank. A rogue hen party from Huddersfield, drunk on Smirnoff Ice and empowerment, mistake Barry for a male stripper named “Girthmaster Barry.” He’s dragged away mid-boarding and wakes up twelve hours later tied to a lamppost in Riga wearing only a sheriff’s badge and a thong that says “Party Police”.
Meanwhile, Chris Pyuk’s legendary solo on "Custard Anvil" — played entirely on a fretless bass carved from driftwood and melancholy — causes two Norwegian bar staff to spontaneously weep.
Episode 4: Almost
Last year, Barry almost saw them. Flange were headlining Progstock at the Pyramids — a confusingly named gig in Milton Keynes. Barry made it to the gate, ticket in hand, giddy as a schoolboy. But moments before entry, a freak accident involving a rogue mobility scooter, a flung pickled egg, and a deranged ex-member of Showaddywaddy landed him in A&E with two dislocated thumbs and a mild case of mustard blindness.
Chris Pyuk reportedly closed the set with a rendition of “Neck Like a Saxophone” performed on a custom-built triple-neck bass while wearing a Venetian plague mask and reciting free verse about damp sheds.
The End?
Barry remains undeterred. He still wears his “FLANGE ME HARD” hoodie to Aldi. He still leads the online forum “Throttle’s Flange Hole” (membership: 17, all banned from Reddit). And he still believes the next gig will be the one.
As he says, proudly, every Tuesday night at the Rusty Trowel pub quiz:
“One day, I’ll see ‘em. I’ll hear ‘Groyne Damage’ live, even if it’s the last thing my ears ever do. And I’ll finally look Chris Pyuk in the eye and say: thank you for ‘Wasp in a Waistcoat’ — you changed my life.”
FreeD
Well-Known Member
You are retired. There is no way you are still spreading at you ripe old age. Don't try and fish your way out of it. You called him a chancer.
ChrispyUK
Well-Known Member
Nice idea Pauly but we both know that’ll be next to impossible due to only 10 copies being pressed and there’s a very good reason for that*. I’ve got one copy and I’m not pulling the fridge out to sign it for Barry, as it’s just the right thickness to keep it level. And it’ll be all dusty behind it!
*The album was so brilliant and ahead of its time that the label decided to change the release date to “indefinitely”. They knew that once unleashed on the public, we could potentially destroy the careers of the other acts they also represented as they just couldn’t match us in terms of shear creative brilliance - it was too risky for them!!
We agreed to sit on a yearly retainer until “the world caught up” and tbh that’s served me well financially as I use the money to buy my Xmas lottery ticket every year.
essexandy
The Lake Governor
Ah well that's where you're wrong (your specialist subject). I still do a four day week, give or take. Currently have three big new builds lined up, screeding, boarding, skimming and external render.
I definitely didn't call everyone, including Smudger, a chancer.
You are though.
paulf
Well-Known Member
Yeah I thought it might be a big ask, nevertheless the minimum wage is a big jump from two packets of custard creams a half drunk can of Aldi knock off red bull and copy of model railway enthusiasts monthly that you've liberated from your chiropodists waiting room.
Just under 5 months till Xmas, you never know it could be you, not that you need the money anyway.
ChrispyUK
Well-Known Member
Yeah true. That’s the thing about hitting the big time in that you can buy your pack of 6 mince pies in November rather than February.
paulf
Well-Known Member
No need to brag Mr Big Stuff.
FreeD
Well-Known Member
Boarding? ha ha
essexandy
The Lake Governor
Are you really in the trade?
Boarding = plasterboard, either screwed or direct bonded. Although I suspect that even a thick t**t such as yourself already knew that?
The Hobo
Well-Known Member
essexandy
The Lake Governor
Always miss you when you're not about Norm.
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