Andy Claggs – Britain’s Number One Plasterer – Lays Down the Law
"Right, listen up, you lot. Every so-called ‘plasterer’ in this country needs to take a long, hard look in the mirror and admit it: you’re useless chancers. Half of you can’t even mix a decent batch without it going lumpy, and the other half couldn’t get a wall flat if your life depended on it.
You lot strut around with your buckets and your trowels like you’re kings of the trade, but I’ve seen more finesse on a toddler’s sandcastle. You’re rushing jobs, cutting corners, and leaving customers with surfaces that look like they’ve been buttered by a drunk bricklayer.
Meanwhile, me – Essex Andy – I’m out here delivering glass-smooth perfection every single day. Not ‘good enough’, not ‘passable’, but actual artistry. My work is so flawless, decorators thank me in tears because they don’t have to spend a week sanding down your wavy nonsense.
So, let’s get one thing clear: I’m not just better than you – I’m in a completely different league. I’m the plasterer your plasterer calls when they’ve botched a job and need it saving. I’m the gold standard. The benchmark. The reason customers look at your work and say, ‘Shame it’s not like Andy Claggs did it.’
Until you up your game – which, let’s face it, you won’t – Britain’s plastering crown stays with me. And I wear it better than you ever could."
